Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

...And it's one more boss down - great looking, pathetically easy - and time to put the DS on charge and go to bed.

I like this game.

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

God, I hate, hate, HATE, HATE sliding block puzzles. Especially ones with reset buttons just next to the square I need to click to solve it. Especially ones with reset buttons THAT DON'T ASK FOR CONFIRMATION just next to the square I need to click to solve it.

I got there in the end, though.

Another boss down, too. Easy one. A little bit too easy...

Oh, and I hate rooms full of towers of fire-spitting dragon heads that take ages to kill and only has a hole in the ceiling, which I can't get through yet. Hmm, unless you can stand on the dragons' heads and build a staircase... Man, that was way back. I'll just try to remember that in case I don't find any flying powers later on in the game.

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

And what was behind that dragon that kept killing me?

A halbred.

A fucking halberd.

Ah well, at least I was able to sell it for potion money.

Oh, and I bought a handgun. It's really fun to use against weak enemies. Not much use when you've got a horrible ghostly being dropping down on to your head, though.

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

Ack!

Same monster killed me again!

It's not a boss or anything complicated, just one of those dragon skulls on the end of a really long neck. It's just way down in the bottom of a pit after a load of other monsters. Luckily, I'd saved a bit later than I did last time.

I got a Great Armor soul again. Turns out I didn't need it, anyway. It's a Valkyrie soul I need. Not sure if I've met those yet, I'll have to check.

I've lost ghoul souls both times I've died, too, but they seem to pop up often enough that I'm not too bothered.

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

MOST ANNOYING CASTLEVANIA DEATH EVER.

I'd got another Great Armor soul. I'd uncovered loads more of the map. I'd found tons of new equipment.

I just hadn't found a save room.

Buggering, bollocking fuck.

Horrible, horrible unclean game.

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

Two more bosses down - in an annoying "kill one boss, find the second two screens later" bit. Luckily, while the first one is tricky and took me three goes, the second is easy as piss. I've now got a lovely new move, so I've got to wander back through the places I've been looking for somewhere to use it.

I want to go back to Yoko's shop at some point, too. After about fifteen minutes of trying I got a Great Armor soul, which I think is the next one I need to upgrade my halberd. Unfortunately, it's a useful soul power, so I'm not sure if I should use the soul or not. So I probably need to go back and get another Great Armor soul, so I don't actually have to choose.

According to the game's clock, I've only played for 1 hour and 42 minutes, which seems very wrong indeed. I'm sure it must be more like three or four hours now. I've also uncovered 20.3% of the map already, but you always start off finding loads of new places. Later on I'll be searching out a 0.3% here and a 1.2% there.

Oh, and those summoned zombies can actually be quite useful. Hooray!

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

Second boss, dead. Had to use a couple of potions, mind. Done a bit of exploring with my new touchscreen powers, but I've mainly been bagging souls and using them for upgrades. My main weapon was a spear - not too slow, good reach, fair amount of damage, best of both worlds - and is now a halberd. Everybody say "oooooooh!" I've kept a big slow sword and a small quick one, too, in case I ever feel I need them. The Katana might even be my main weapon if it wasn't so short.

I've sold the rest and stocked up on various potions. Bought a couple of newspapers, too, but not sure what to do with them. You can't seem to 'use' them.

Anyway, I suppose I should get back to exploring at some point.

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

Second boss.

Ouch.

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

Went back and killed the boss without potion use on my first try. Lightweight bastard. I drew his seal first time - it's very easy, but also annoying to have to leap for the stylus when he starts exploding. I don't like it when games shove in stylus use when it's not needed just to say they have.

I can now summon bats and cats as well as zombies, but haven't tried yet.

Yoko's shop is confusing me. You can upgrade weapons with souls and release souls, but I have no idea what releasing souls is for. RTFM? Maybe it's time.

Got stuck for a while because I didn't notice a switch by a door, but at least wandering around randomly nets you experience and souls, so it's not wasted time.

Into a whole new section now, but I just wimped out and ran back to an old save point because my health was getting low.

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

PRO: It's Castlevania!

PRO: In 2D!

Introductory speaking bits are done.

The menus have been investigated.

The first save room has been located.

The first boss has been found...

And he's kicking my arse.

Twice now. I suppose I could use a potion or two... but he's the first boss!

I need to read the manual and maybe redefine the keys. I keep doing some sort of super attack by mistake and it uses half my magic.

On the plus side, I can now summon zombies to do my bidding shuffle around ineffectually. Bwa ha ha!

LA Rush Demo

So I hate to admit it, but I bought the Official Xbox Magazine today. For the demos, obviously.

I'm interested in giving Battlefield 2 a try - though it's online only and I'm not a big fan of jumping into online multiplayer in a game I don't know.

I was, however, more interested in the LA Rush demo. It's the name. I loved Rush 2049 on the Dreamcast to death, played it loads in single player and the multiplayer gave good value, too. Now, I know LA Rush is completely different game. Your cars don't have wings, for a start. And there's far less neon. And it seems to have gone for a free-roaming, blinged-up, urban cool thing. Hasn't quite it hit it, as far as I can see from the demo. It's not cool or stylish. It's what it should be - big, dumb, arcade fun.

There are three modes in the demo. First up, racing. Which does what it says on the tin. Race around city streets, grabbing shortcuts, avoiding traffic and coming second by the same distance every try, even when your times are twenty seconds different in a sub-two minute race. Still, it's good fun and though the collisions are less polished that those in the Burnout series they do have a certain satisfying weightiness about them.

The next options on the menu are Cruise and Roam. Which both seemed to mean the same thing. But they don't. Oh no, they don't. Cruise should probably be called The Car That Couldn't Slow Down, as it actually starts you on a stretch of a road, tells you not to drop below 55 mph and gives you a certain distance to run. My current best is thirty-six percent, which is rubbish. But it's great, intense, annoying fun.

Like Race, Roam does actually do what it says. You just drive around the city annoying police and finally noticing the framerate (not as bad as Rush 2049), the deeply strange pedestrian behaviour (which consists of them running around like earth-bound fleas in an attempt to avoid your car, but don't need to because if you manage to trap one you just drive right through him) and the way that sometimes you can drive through trees and sometimes you can't.

I get the impression that it's one of those games that I'd get annoyed with if I paid £40 for it, but would hail as a negleted gem if I got it for a tenner. So, right, as soon as it's cheap, it shall be mine.

PSP Emulation & Homebrew

So, I got Doom working. Doom 2, to be precise. (Seems WADs should be called doom1.wad or doom2.wad - my doom1 is called plain simple doom.) Controls are a bit iffy - but I'm a keyboard purist for Doom - and it's rather buggy, but, hey, it's Doom. And Doom is The Best Game Ever. No, really. It's always number one when I make a top ten games list. Ah, Doom.

Also tried Chrono Trigger. Now, every time in the past I've tried it I've got five or ten minutes in, got bored and left it for another year or two. Got five minutes in this time. But I did go wandering off where I wasn't meant to be and got into my very first Chrono Trigger fight. I feel reborn. Or something.

What else?

::strokes chin::

Ah, yes, Zelda 2. Can't find a candle. Have no idea what that Start Menu is all about. Got stuck. Tried to go through a cave without a light. Died. I AM ERROR.

PSP Emulation & Homebrew

I want to play Metal Slug! But I don't own it. Nor do I have it. So that's out. I should remove the Neo Geo emulator from the list, it's only mocking me.

Anyway, the NES emulator runs precisely half the ROMs I've tried with it. Zelda works, Excitebike turns off the PSP, Metroid works and something I can't remember the name of goes to a grey screen and then stops.

Tried one of the homebrew games. Can't remember what that's called, either. (Some diary, eh? Forgive me, I'm ill.) Anyway, it's a Bejewelled/Zoo Keeper style thing with an unexpectedly disturbing lack of animation and expectedly annoying lack of stylus control. Actually, I think it might be called Polygon.

PSP's on charge now. Doesn't really need to be, but I want it away from me, to stop me playing with it.

Oh, and Doom still doesn't work. Boo.

Alien3

In 1994 I was on the dole. I had a SNES with five games: Striker, Mario All Stars, Starfox, Street Fighter II Turbo and Alien³.

I loved them all.

And, now, through the miracles of technology, I have Alien³ in the palm of my hand.

Yes, it runs full speed on the PSP's SNES emulator. It's all right, too; my memory isn't too far out of whack with reality. It's a pretty standard 2D run and gun platformer, but non-linear. I just played a game, but couldn't remember how to find out what different areas were called, so just ran around randomly killing aliens until I died. Bloody face huggers.

PSP Emulation

So, I downgraded my PSP from 2.0 to 1.5 last night. A dangerous procedure, but I think several days of being stuck at home with a dodgy stomach have bored me so much that anything to do seems like a good idea.

It all worked, but getting emulators on there has been problematic. A pack of emulators I downloaded works, mostly, but everything else I've tried fails. It's very odd and annoying.

The Megadrive Sonic games run, but the display is a bit odd in a way I'm not finding it easy to explain. A bit blurry, a bit jumpy, but not in a dodgy framerate kind of way. Seems to be better now I've shrunk the size of the window they display in and turned VSync on.

Tried the SNES version of Super Mario Bros. Runs quite slowly at time, not great. Might be okay for RPGs though, I suppose.

I've been playing the original Zelda game on the GBA recently - one of those NES classics carts - so I tried Zelda on the NES emulator. Seems to work, but I seem to have a shield equipped without having a shield equipped. Some lovely hacked ROM, I guess. It's annoying, anyway.

Beats of Rage works, but the initial load is incredibly long. Then it hangs between levels and I have to suspend and then turn the PSP on again to give it the kick it needs to continue.

Doom simply doesn't work, which is annoying. And, yes, I've got a WAD file in there.

A very mixed bag, then. I'm not sure how worth it is from a gaming point of view, but it's good time-wasting stuff from a sick geek viewpoint.

We Love Katamari

I just properly fell in love with this game.

Previously, I liked hanging out with it and wasn't averse to the odd bunk up and, sure, I loved it in a way, but now I'm completely in love.

It was the Hansel & Gretal level that did it. The simplest and easiest level so far. There's nothing to it at all. But just the design of the house and the greatness of the concept just worked some magic on me and now I'm in love.

Even if I just let a fire go out twice and had lasers shot at me for my troubles.

Call Of Duty 2 Demo

Whoa. Now that was rather intense.

Whether it's more than Call of Duty with a graphical tart up I couldn't say, having only played the Call of Duty demo about fifteen years ago (give or take) on a machine that could barely handle it.

And talking of barely handling things... CoD 2 (ah, we're into the acronyms and this diary is only a few days old) selected 640x480 as the recommended resolution. But it also decided on 4x AA and a few other things I can't remember and when I started it up I was shocked by how good it looked. Shocked, I say. And it ran decently, too, with a minimum level of shuddering.

I died lots. Gunfire and explosions all around. Many deaths - but that's okay, especially as the checkpoints are well placed and the reload times are tiny. Men flying past me and crumpling to the ground in front of me. Orders, English and German, being shouted out over all the noise. Grenade warnings, cries of warning and of triumph.

Or, to put it another way, you get to run around a town shooting Nazis in the face.

I'm mostly avoiding PC games these days, because they're more hassle than they're worth and my Bluetooth keyboard isn't great for gaming, especially as it has to rest on my stomach as I slump on the sofa. PC connected to TV, you see. And, yes, I generally slump a bit, except when I'm leaning forward to peer at tiny text that wouldn't be a problem on a monitor but is annoying as hell on a TV six foot away.

You'll notice I said 'mostly' and that's because I think I'm going to have to get Call of Duty 2. I might wait until it's on budget, but it shall be mine.

We Love Katamari

Dear Girlfriend,

I'm so sorry I missed our date today. I know, I know, but it's been a strange diary, even by my standards. I was on my way to see you, trying to mind my own business, when a tiny Sumo wrestler approached me and asked for my help. Of course, he actually meant he wanted my father's help. I'm nothing to these people - nothing! I do all the work, all the rolling, yet it's my father who gets the praise, the fans, the glory. I don't know how much longer I can stand it.

But my father forced me into helping him again. He made me roll this Sumo wrestler around the town picking up food that had been left lying around. I got hit by a train several times because chicken legs had been left on the railway line, but I'm okay. Just a bit sore. This guy ate and ate. He even ate some children I ran into by mistake. Oh God, darling, I'm a murderer! I don't want to do this! I don't want to live this life! I want to be good! I want to paint! Maybe teach! Not this endless rolling, rolling, rolling. I'm a thief and a killer!

My father had only given me five minutes to get this Sumo guy up to size and by that time I'd failed. Everything went black and my father appeared above me, terrifying to behold. And then the laser bolts shot from his eyes, something I've seen before. He was so mad at me! I ran, trying to evade his terrible discipline, but some of the bolts hit. It was burning agony like I've never felt. My poor raw hide! He hit just the spots left raw by the train hits. So I tried again and again I failed him and his rage was no less brutal.

And again I tried and this time I realised I had to take the Sumo wrestler to his match before the five minutes was up. He beat his opponent and my father was all sweetness and light and let me go. I ran all the way to the cinema, but by the time I got there, you'd gone. I'm really sorry.

I know we've talked about this, how I should run away, let one of cousins take over my duties, that the way my father treats me is wrong. But I can't help going back. He's my father, and he's King of the Cosmos and I'd never be able to hide. I love you, but like it or not, this is my life. I hope you can accept that. I've learned to, in time I'm sure you will, too.

Maybe you should come round for dinner one day, so I can introduce you? Please, reply soon. I miss you.

Your Love,

The Prince

Castlevania: Lament of Innocence

PRO: It's Castlevania!

CON: In 3D!

Not played this before despite having it for years, but I'm home sick, so thought I'd give it a go.

Starts with some annoyingly long cut scenes. I really don't see the point. Maybe fanboys will get some sad geek shivers at seeing this Belmont being given a whip, but... hang on, hang on! I'm a geek and I didn't get any sad geek shivers. Cut scene failure, then.

Once into the game - oh, sweet interactivity! - you run around whipping monsters and jumping around. Unfortunately, while you can normally whip what you want to - as long as the camera is gracious enough to show you your target - jumping is incredibly imprecise. Which probably explains why there's not a lot of it. Just enough to be really very annoying, mind.

Anyway, I got to some red skeleton guys who kept coming back to (un)life while a giant eyeball shot laser vision at me and I died. And I didn't fancy restarting from the last time I bothered saving, so I gave up.

Plus, I've already got a Dual Shock finger blister. Stupid dangerous Sony controllers.

We Love Katamari

An aptly named game if ever there was one.

Because everyone who's played Katamari Damacy loves it. Well, everyone I know. I'm sure there are people out there who don't like it. Weirdos.

I've just played through a few levels of this and it's really not very different from the original. The Katamari still feels big and unweildy, the graphics are still pastel and blocky in style, the level design is still, superb the soundtrack is still great, the cut scenes are still hatstand mad and the presentation is still wonderfully quirky.

It's the next chapter, basically, not a whole different book.

But it doesn't matter because I love Katamari.

I've not failed a mission yet, but I'm getting really fed up of all the people I indulge complaining about how small my balls are, A man could get a complex.

And if you don't know what Katamari is all about, then I really don't know why you're reading this. Not in a "get out, you're not worthy, you non-gamer!" type of way. I just really can't imagine that anyone's going to come to this page who doesn't know what Katamari Damacy is all about.

But if you need to know: You play a tiny Prince who has roll a knobbly ball around that picks up everything that touches it, as long as it's smaller than the ball. The aim of the game is to roll a lot of things up. And that's about it. From drawing pins to the stars themselves, anything's fair game as long as you've got your ball, or Katamari, to the required size. The challenge comes from working out paths through levels to get as much as possible as quickly as possible.

And it's all a great big bundle of joy.

Fahrenheit

Ah, and another good thing about Fahrenheit is that the following conversation can now take place -

Friend: "Have you head of Theory of a Deadman?"

Me: "The band? Yeah."

Friend: "What are they like?"

Me: "Shit."

Fahrenheit: edutainment at its finest.

Fahrenheit - COMPLETED!

"I love you, Lucas."

Where the fuck did that come from? Is someone on the team a Kevin Smith fan? Did they just want to throw in a Clerks reference?

Talk about love at first sight. Well, second sight, I suppose. Possibly third. But you know what I mean.

It makes no sense at all.

Anyway, I completed it. Fucked up a trigger torture section right at the end and got a bad ending, but went back in afterwards and got a better one. Not sure if there's a super-great-mega ending.

Anyway, despite my moaning, I think the good outwieghs the bad. It's pretty short - I played it for a couple of hours last night at most, and then today for... um, seven or eight hours, I suppose. And while there are some really, really annoying parts... a lot of annoying parts... so... what the hell is so good about it? It must be the interactive story stuff. It can't just be the story, because if it were a TV mini-series it would be laughed out of town. And I suppose some of the action sequences aren't annoying and can be quite exciting.

Phew. I'm glad I'm not a games reviewer, because I'd be stuck with this one. Maybe I could just rewrite the press release a bit and shove 8/10 at the end. Would that work?

Fahrenheit

Okay, imagine playing Metal Gear Solid.

Now take away the radar.

"Ah, they did for that Metal Gear Solid 3!" <- Reader's voice.

Yes, but then take away all your gadgets for tracking the position of guards.

And then make the guards invisible.

And then play it blindfolded.

That's what these sections of Fahrenheit are like. Apart from the blindfolded bit. To be perfectly honest, I don't think it makes any difference whether I keep my eyes closed or open, it's all utterly random.

So, all I've done today is moan about this game. And yet I've been playing it most of the day and I'm still going. Why? Because I want to know what happens. And when it's good - Tyler visiting the bank, say - it's very, very good indeed.

I can't help but feel that the whole "the story is under your control" thing is bollocks, mind. Apart from a few choices that probably don't make much difference - such as which character to send to the bank - it all seems very, very linear.

Fahrenheit

Oh dear lord.

Another random-as-fuck "Don't move or I'll shoot" bit.

Did anyone actually play these fucking sections before they were released in our homes?

Won't somebody please think of the children!

Fahrenheit

Well, I got past the book puzzle. I didn't complete it, no way, I just left the building. The game asked me if I was sure I wanted to go, which is rather like asking a drowning man if he's sure he wants the life belt thrown to him.

(Did I just make 'life belt' up? One of those round floating things on string, anyway. You know.)

(Maybe it'd better if I'd used a man in the desert and a drink of a water as an analogy.)

(Eh, whatever.)

Anyway, I've just got past some terribly annoying action sequences and I'm still playing.

Fahrenheit

I've gone back to it.

But I'm now stuck. Completely and utterly stuck.

Some sterotyped Chinese chap wants me to find him a book. In a huge building full of books. I think I've found a code number to identify it, but I can't see any way of applying that code to the environment in order to find the book.

I've been taken random books of shelves and giving them to him, just on the off chance, but he keeps telling me it's the wrong one. Which isn't a surprise.

I've just been walking around the building hoping inspiration will strike. But that doesn't look like happening any time soon.

I almost dozed off just now, which isn't a good thing to do while playing a game.

The controls are shit, there's an enforced first-person bit where it ignores your invert settings for the camera, the lip-syncing is awful and now this.

What am I missing? Nobody else seems to have had problems completing the game. What. Am. I. Missing?

Fahrenheit

I'd been looking forward to this.

Oh dear.

It seemed okay when I played it last night and I was looking forward to spending the day with it today, having nothing better to do.

The adventure bits are clunky, but fine. The real-time conversations just make me panic and choose an option randomly, but I guess that's okay. The rhythm action style prompt-following action sequences are slightly annoying. I tend to avoid them, if possible.

So I could cope. The story's interesting, though it seems to be a lot more linear than I expected. Quite enjoyable overall.

But then there was a flashback bit which I couldn't work out how to do. It went like this.

10. RUN FOR TWO SECONDS ACROSS A MILITARY INSTALLATION
20. CLOSE UP OF GUARD SHOUTING "STOP, OR I'LL SHOOT"
30. GAME OVER SCREEN
40. GOTO 10

I eventually figured it out, thinking I must have just got past the most annoying part of the game.

But... but... then there are the trigger pulling bits. You have to hit the left and right triggers alternately as fast as possible. And I have always, always hated games that made me do that with buttons. With triggers it's even more painful. Literally. The first few were quite short and I grumbled through them. But then they got longer and harder and my fingers started to feel like they were going to fall off...

So, I was on the edge after having to do SIX of those events in a row.

And then I got to a bit where I had to keep a line in the middle of the screen at the same time as doing adventurey bits. My brain and fingers and thumbs can't cope with that sort of challenge, especially when sore and annoyed. And I've got the bloody game set on EASY, for fuck's sake.

So I turned it off, my head full of CAPS RAGE, fully intending to track down the person responsible for those sections and express my displeasure in a physical fashion... but in the hour or two since that happened something odd has happened. I want to go back and try again. I have no idea why. The game just keeps annoying me. But I want to go back.